Breathing
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: What if she couldn't live without him?


She had come there to rest and forget about her life. There was a lot of things that she would have loved to erase from her mind. A whole wave of feelings pushing her too far. The strength of his hand on her injured heart. Behind her hazel eyes was running the river of her charms. The spring of her smiles, so bright when she used to face the sweet side of her existence. So dark as she turned herself and collapsed in the nothingness of her acts. A knee-length dress, high heels, lipstick. Was her body only an item more to match with the scene? The more she thought about it, the more she could feel that conviction deep inside her mind that unfortunately for once she was right. Karen Walker was just a name among the crowd. A vague figure, useless, selfish and cold.

Perhaps the gray sky of the city was engraving on her skin the sorrow she would have to keep on carrying and so she gave up herself to the monotony of her bitter regrets. It may have been written somewhere, since the very beginning. She would never be allowed to be sincere, joyful sensations staying away from her. The happiness of a life, the light on a soul. Her pale complexion was flirting so well with the darkness of her heart that swallowing back the softness of his touch was vital. Logical. Harsh. A burning sensation passing through her throat, burying her heartache. And she emptied another bottle of vodka, loneliness embracing her sighs. She used to follow with her icy fingers the raindrops falling on the window and look how they went tracing those fragile lines haphazardly until the ground. She didn't want to cry so she prefered to let the clouds mourn her ridiculous life. The smoke of her cigarette plunging them into a blurry state. Apart.

The office had become unbearable, day after day. Second after second. As soon as she reached the door she could feel her throat tighten and she started suffocating. She was dying there but she couldn't help coming back, though, she needed it. An insane addiction that she loved more than anything. The pain was there, it was reassuring. And she could picture him so easily, anywhere. Near by the window, his hands on her waist. A furtive kiss before the end. The secret of an intimacy, a hateful affair. Her only love story. The heat of Will's body against her loud heartbeats. And his kisses on her shivering skin, his breath warming up her lips. She had just wanted to be his, like in her dreams.

Jack had witnessed the defeat of her wishes, powerless, astonished. He hadn't guessed everything but still. He had taken her in his arms and pushed her away from the ground where she had been resting, sobbing. And rocking her peacefully the blank of his eyes had slowly vanished. No matter why Karen was crying, she just needed relief. She hadn't fallen asleep and had stayed quiet. Her brain was in turmoil, her blood missing the essence of her relationship with Will. Why had she put an end to their story? While his whole persona controled the machine of her body, the pulsions of her mind, the regular beats of her heart. She was nothing without him. She hadn't looked at Jack, just tried to catch his breath, his smell. She failed and never found out the relief of the arms she was missing. It was all about Will.

The darkness of the night disappeared and the cold lights of the morning wrapped up New York City. A sleepless night in the depths of her feelings, lost in the labyrinth of an endless story. Her eyes slightly moved when Grace came in and looked at her, worried.

Come with me.

She let her friend take her away and stared blankly how the buildings were vanishing under her feet. The plane was leaving. Without Will.

She forgot about the days, the nights, the rain, the sun, the wind. Her eyes were soring behind the salt of so many tears. Behind a wasted life, her own tragedy. She stayed in Grace's arms absent-mindedly and even though her friend was aware of the whole story, she never spoke about it but let her deal with her feelings.

Karen is resting, leave her in peace.

One day she felt how her lungs were asking for air, how her body wanted to breathe again. She opened her mouth and whispered softly that she just loved him. That's why she had left him. She bit her lips and frowned, apologizing in Grace's hug. She was sorry for everything, for her feelings. She was dying, he was too far from her body. She couldn't help it, she needed his kisses. She wanted to see him so that he knew about all these things. How she regreted their last scene. How her life was asking for his caresses, his tenderness. He was unique. She couldn't live without Will.

She held her breath instinctively when she felt her friend freeze in her embrace. She began to panic but didn't dare to move.

Please, pardon me.

And suddenly the weight of time took possession of her veins. While she had erased the least notion of chronology until now, the seconds passing by seemt to slow down and tighten the grip on her mind. It was scaring. The silence was loud, too loud between Grace and her body. She thought for a second that she had lost everything. That her words had spoiled their friendship. She hated herself for being so selfish. She hated herself for having fallen in love with Will.

Grace stood up and left the room, the coldness of the place passing underneath her skin. She started shivering and so cuddled up on the ground, in the middle of the living. An attempt of protection against reality. The violence of the words, the strength of her feelings, the sincerety of her acts. It was too much, unexpected after all these hours in Grace's embraces.

K.A.R.E.N.

Five letters to express the ghost she had always been. The mistake of her shameful presence in the whirl of the world. She'd better to leave, definitely.

She jumped of surprise when she felt Grace's arms around her waist, a soft kiss on her temple. And the way she caressed her head. A maternal gesture, a wave of sincerety. The uniqueness of their friendship.

Let's go back to New York, Kare. Will's waiting.

The doors of her soul opened slowly and through a curtain of tears she smiled brightly.

Karen Walker was living. For Will.


End file.
